Chipotle Al Pastor: A Scavenger's Guide to Trendy Cannibalism

“Chipotle turned my cousin Lorrie into a viral sensation, and honestly? She's never looked better”

Look, SQUAWK-ers, since you're here for the full dumpster deep-dive into Chipotle's Al Pastor situation, let me break it down proper:

The Technical Stuff

- Location: South Lamar Chipotle (prime dumpster real estate)

- Best Raid Time: Shift change, usually 3:45 PM

- Dumpster Access Rating: 4/5 SQUAWKS (minimal security, decent cover)

- Container Quality: Premium nesting material

What They Did To My Relatives

- Adobo marinade (respect for the dead)

- Morita peppers (spicy funeral)

- Pineapple splash (Mother Wendy's tropical revenge)

- Served in a bowl (at least it wasn't a wrap)

The Real Talk

Let's be honest - if you're going to eat your potential cousins, this is probably the way to do it. The AI hype machine isn't completely wrong about the flavor profile, but they've never had to look their dinner in the eye and wonder if it attended last year's family reunion.

Pro Tips for Fellow Scavengers

1. Avoid Buck's research hours (2-4 PM, he's insufferable with that monocle)

2. Check for Feathery's protest schedule (her "Stop Bird-on-Bird Violence" rallies are getting intense)

3. Bring your own napkins (trust me on this one)

Final Verdict

7/10 SQUAWKS - Would commit family cannibalism again, preferably after happy hour at the Dollar General dumpster.

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*S.B.'s Dumpster Diving Reviews is supported by absolutely nothing except spite and whatever I find behind the smoke shop. SQUAWK!*